You meet somebody new, they usually appear to test your entire containers for the best accomplice. The chemistry is electrical, conversations move effortlessly, and you’ll’t assist however envision a future with them. However earlier than lengthy, issues take a flip and the would-be relationship ends—simply because it did the final time and the time earlier than that. If you end up caught in a cycle of relationship the identical sort of particular person solely to repeatedly have the identical damaging end result, it’s possible you’ll be groundhogging.
A reference to the 1993 rom-com Groundhog Day, by which weatherman Phil (Invoice Murray) lives the identical day time and again till he modifies his methods and falls in love together with his colleague Rita (Andie MacDowell), groundhogging in relationship entails the identical sort of fruitless repetition.
Whereas the tendency to repeatedly date the identical sort of particular person could spring from good intentions—like a sense of consolation or a want to go after a particular “sort” that you simply suppose is best for you—relationship specialists say it could critically hinder your probabilities at discovering real love.
Wait, what precisely is “groundhogging” in relationship?
“Groundhogging is a pattern by which folks maintain relationship the identical sort of particular person time and again whereas anticipating totally different outcomes,” says relationship coach and relationship professional Susan Trotter, PhD. Every time a relationship ends for no matter cause, the particular person will “groundhog” to a different comparable particular person and date them, just for that relationship to inevitably finish quickly, too.
“Groundhogging is a pattern by which folks maintain relationship the identical sort of particular person time and again whereas anticipating totally different outcomes.” —Susan Trotter, PhD, relationship coach
Maybe it isn’t understanding every time as a result of the kind of particular person you’re repeatedly relationship embodies poisonous qualities—possibly they’re all narcissists with a aptitude for love-bombing—or they’re simply straight-up emotionally unavailable, and it’s the need to “repair” them (or get them to fall in love with you) that leads you to maintain looking for them out.
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Or possibly the kind of particular person in query simply suits a selected picture you’ve constructed in your head; in different phrases, they wouldn’t be problematic for everybody, however they only aren’t proper for you, whether or not as a result of they’re too comparable or too totally different, or for another cause. And by focusing solely on this one sort of particular person (say, assured attorneys or humorous actors), you’re lacking out on the individuals who don’t suit your preconceived notion of the best accomplice, however who even have extra of the qualities that may make them suitable with you long-term.
In any case, somebody who’s groundhogging doesn’t be taught from the expertise and make adjustments to the way in which that they date; somewhat, they repeat the cycle, though it by no means works out with their chosen sort. In line with psychotherapist Mollie Spiesman, LCSW, folks usually flip to groundhogging as a consolation mechanism. You already know precisely what you’re getting your self into, which is snug—however every time, you persuade your self that it’ll end up otherwise.
What are the important thing indicators of groundhogging?
“The largest signal that you simply’re groundhogging in relationship will be the outcomes,” says Dr. Trotter. It doesn’t matter what you do, you retain discovering your self in the identical sort of relationship, and it doesn’t work out. Maybe all of your relationships finish the identical approach, too, whether or not all of the sudden and abruptly, or by tapering off.
Dr. Trotter additionally says to maintain a watch out for the next indicators of groundhogging:
- You’re feeling like your latest relationships have all progressed in comparable methods
- You’re very inflexible and selective about whom you date however to little success
- You aren’t in any respect selective about whom you date and wind up with the identical varieties of people that pursue you
- Your previous companions remind you of each other
- You rush into relationship after relationship along with your typical sort
Why do folks repeatedly date the identical sort of particular person if it by no means works out?
“Nearly all of folks consider that they’ve a sure ‘sort,’ and it may be arduous to shift from that,” says Dr. Trotter. We’re all creatures of behavior. We crave routine and familiarity, even in conditions the place it could be higher to suppose outdoors the field or problem ourselves to attempt one thing new. “Familiarity is snug even when uncomfortable,” says Dr. Trotter.
Certainly, Spiesman finds that her purchasers typically make decisions rooted in consolation, even after they don’t really serve them. For example, some folks would possibly select companions who’re controlling or domineering, pondering it is love. Others would possibly maintain selecting companions who cannot commit, maybe due to the attract of a problem. “They could suppose, ‘Oh I will attempt once more—this time will likely be totally different,’ nevertheless, time and expertise seemingly show that isn’t the case,” she says.
In sure eventualities, the character of somebody’s attachment model (that’s, their approach of navigating interpersonal relationships developed by childhood interactions) can play a job of their tendency to groundhog with a selected sort. For instance, folks with an anxious attachment model could continuously discover themselves drawn to companions with an avoidant attachment model—who then exacerbate or reinforce the nervousness they really feel by thwarting intimacy.
“When folks don’t take the time to mirror on their relationship historical past…they’re extra prone to persist with that acquainted feeling and repeat patterns with out even realizing it.” —Dr. Trotter
In nonetheless different instances, folks could be so desirous to discover a accomplice that they don’t even know they’re groundhogging. “When folks don’t take the time to mirror on their relationship historical past—for instance, contemplating what labored and what didn’t work previously, what they actually need and want now, what half they performed in previous dynamics—they’re extra prone to persist with that acquainted feeling and subsequently repeat patterns with out even realizing it,” says Dr. Trotter.
Each the need for familiarity and the worry of the unknown can act as highly effective forces that maintain folks caught within the groundhogging cycle, she provides.
The best way to break away from the groundhogging entice
As with all sample of habits you are making an attempt to cease, “step one is recognition,” says Dr. Trotter. In the event you establish that you could be be groundhogging, it’s necessary to acknowledge that you could be must make some huge adjustments in the way in which you date, she says.
Specifically, Dr. Trotter suggests taking time to evaluation your relationship historical past, whereas taking note of the patterns inherent in your relationship experiences. For example, should you observe that you simply’ve usually dated emotionally unavailable folks, you would possibly do some occupied with why you’re selecting folks whom you know can’t provide the closeness you want or need, suggests Spiesman, and goal to reacquaint your self with your individual emotions and values.
In the same vein, Dr. Trotter suggests giving some thought to what you suppose your ‘sort’ is and why. In so doing, you would possibly uncover that there isn’t any stable cause why you’ll be able to’t broaden your scope a bit, and also you’ve simply been selecting the identical varieties of individuals largely out of intuition or comfort.
“Create a life that’s full and joyful after which search for folks whom you’ll be able to invite in to boost it.” —Molly Spiesman, LCSW, psychotherapist
Spiesman additionally recommends taking time to apply self-love, course of previous relationship points, and encompass your self with family members who know your value and worth as a method to extend your confidence. “Create a life that’s full and joyful after which search for folks whom you’ll be able to invite in to boost it,” she says. “Doing so lets you be extra intentional within the relationship course of, somewhat than settling or selecting folks simply to fill the void.”
Whenever you’re relationship, goal to strike a steadiness between being selective in relation to discovering somebody who shares your values and in addition being versatile, so that you simply don’t write off potential matches who occur to fall outdoors of your typical sort. Particularly, be an observer and be engaged on the similar time: Discover the pull towards those that are acquainted (and never essentially finest for you), after which pause and problem your self to maneuver in a special course.
Dr. Trotter additionally advises looking for steering from a relationship coach or relationship therapist to assist facilitate these adjustments. Having an expert in your nook who may help you establish unsupportive patterns and pivot accordingly could possibly be simply what it’s essential to maintain from falling down the rabbit (er, groundhog) gap of repetitive relationship.
